Kahala Lei: 2017

17 December 2017

ASS+U+ME

What  'should be'  and  what  'reality is'

are two totally different contexts.

When dealing with reality, focus on solutions for reality, not "what should be."  When creating goals, after taking reality into account, then focus on bringing things where they should be.  

This is the model for success.

Wasting time getting emotional over

"what should be"

when the moment is about dealing with reality, usually has solutions that are based on emotional assumptions.

How do you spell assume?

ASS+U+ME

When you assume things or base your observations on an assumption, you truly make an ass out of yourself and often to the person you are targeting as well.  This kind of behavior disenfranchises people and once you do that, no matter what your cause, you just lost one.  People will look at you different.

You have just proven what an ass you can be.

You have just proven that you are small and petty.

You have just proven that you will be the first to say that you act upon prejudicial and often false pretenses, making a series of bad choices.  They were not mistakes because you fully intended to act the way you did.  People can see right through that stuff.

This post is not written to pick you apart, it is written to make you aware that you are making a mistake by intending to be that way, and an attempt to help you clean that up discreetly.  You might not care what people think, but you cannot ignore the fact that every action comes with a consequence and we all cry when we reap the consequences.  You can show strength all day, but that is only recognized as saving face.  It does not change facts.

Once we realize that we have been desensitized to what matters in life and that we spend way too much time on what does not matter, we will begin to see where society has gone wrong.  Until then, our choice to remain blind to the truth at the heart of the matter is going to hold us back from our truest success repeatedly, until we as mankind in general learn these lessons.

Kahala Lei

copyright 2017

08 December 2017

Sacred Sites Alone

Sacred actions, sacred places

Keep it pono for all human races.

No need struggle for what's not yours

No need fight unresolved wars.

Simply bring it back to its roots

Then we will see the spiritual news

Ancestors will lead us to what is right

Visitors will honor this sacred site.

It simply starts with just one you

To check on things by driving through

By stopping down, your presence is known

No more desecration of a sacred site alone.

Kahala Maui

Sweet Tamarinds

Sweet

Golden brown texture

Raw flesh undressed

Tart against my taste buds

Satisfying to my senses

Arousing my tongue

Searching for its seed

Licking bittersweet thickness

Hard, black and shiny

Always ready to give more

Tamarinds.

Kahala Lei

21 November 2017

Empower Mankind

Write about sustenance, write about hate.

Write about something that sends a message

Include references that compete with today's date.

Write about an epidemic when there already is a cure

Emphasize how much research we keep doing

Continuing to benefit from the profit it implores.

Communicate all that brings upon distress

Propaganda bandwagon shattering dreams

Spreading lies of desperate hopelessness.

Tell the truth, step out of the book!

It only depicts desolation, but its not as

Horribly barren as it looks.

People suppressed under political scrutiny

People oppressed since the dawn of time

People repressed, restricting you and me.

Break these cycles

Break the hate

Break all reality that

Brings upon stomach aches

Write about solutions

Write about peace

Write about how communities

Are meeting each other's needs

Write about inspiration

Write about good times

Write about anything that

Empowers mankind.

Kahala Lei

Love Conquers Thee

Pillars of moral consciousness

Elements divine

Patience draws precision

Love eludes thee.

Perfecting eloquent desires

Gently blossoming, full color array

Fragrant whispers chattering

Love evades thee.

Swift as first dawn into full light

Ever dancing beneath lucid moon

Falling with each star gracefully

Love yearns for thee.

Crisp empty rooms fuel desire

Thoughts and emotions set afire

Poetic reminders of a lonely soul

Love invites thee.

Dancing in galaxies twinkling bright

Mountains of emotion climax in delight

Powerful union, eternal light

Love conquers thee.

Spontaneous combustion

Empowered love conquers over and over

Exploding lava simmers in the cool of the night

Bringing new life with new dawn horizons

Love conquers all in its path

Forging fresh beginnings.

Kahala Lei

16 November 2017

For This Journey

For this journey is no ordinary road

Straight and narrow it appears

Ere the winding ebbs accommodating

Gratitude for outpouring flows of success

Ever bearing closer to that mountainous journey

That seemingly evades the miles worn feet have traveled

For this journey has purpose connected with deep rooted wisdom

For this journey has been sealed in covenant eons ago

Ancestral cords binding one to stand firmly rooted

Sacred wisdom undiscovered beneath depths

Hidden from realms of harmful deceit

Awaiting chosen descendants

For this journey is sacred

For this journey is

Divine

Kahala Lei

02 November 2017

A Thousand Times

I've written about you a thousand times

Many have thought it to be them

Many have accused it to be someone actually

But it was the essence of you in my imagery.

I've written to you over the years

The essence of a vision unknown

Many have thought that you were there

Not knowing that you were only in prayer.

I've cried for you a thousand times

Never knowing if it was all in my head

Your existence was all that I knew

Never did I know it was really you.

I've longed for you with the depths of my soul

Paddling along until you caught my sight

Wishing, waiting for you to arrive

Please save me from loneliness before I die.

A thousand times, I didn't want paper bag dreams

People shopping for love when they

Don't know what that means

People wasting their life

On physical needs

Paper bag dreams.

A thousand times I turned love away

People thinking love is a game to be played

Only thinking of love as temporary

Don't know the true depth

Of what love entails

It's just lust.

A thousand times, I didn't want to share your treasure

Knowing one day, you'd draw near

Knowing one day, love would be sincere

Knowing one day, love would fall into the right hands.

A thousand times, I reviewed my desires

I didn't just want temporary fire

I wanted you and only to be with forever

Not just on days where its only fair weather

Not just on nights when the moon enters phase

Not just on moments that love throws no shade.

A thousand scenarios described what's not love

Promises of roses, only sticks with thorns

Poetic conversions of what's considered norm

None of that is anything true

None of that describes the love I found in you.

A thousand times on a thousand nights

A thousand chance to find what's right

A thousand observations of what's not true

A thousand night's spent praying for you

A thousand dedications that I didn't save in vain

A thousands tears have made it rain

A thousand days and nights are through

And now its all about me and you.

Kahala Lei

He Loves Me

Just when one thinks there's no way out

Life has a way of killing that doubt

Journeys get dark, then fall into light

Things fall into place where nothing seems right.

At one point in time I thought that he hated me

In what turned out to be growing pains

Of a beautiful season birthed in spring blossoms

Glorious mornings awaited the moment to

Seize opportunity to flourish.

3.8 GPA from a young man once failing school

Responsibility conquers being cool

What was rebellion at the dawn of eighteen

Becomes the rebirth of Mom's hopeful dream.

In so many ways I thought his choices might sway

So many nights spent worrying about his future

Where would this one end up?

What was this kid going to do?

So many questions boggled my mind.

I had to let him go and let what will be, be

Deep down inside, the anguish killed me

Thoughts of my child choosing a path astray

Dimmed my spirit day after day.

Observing his ways and what he would choose

Personal memories, I'd do anything to be in his shoes

If only I had someone to help develop me

I would not have had to grow up in the streets

I would not have had to make the choices I made

I would not have experienced such icy shade

If only I had the foundation I gave my kids

I may not have had the urgency to do what I did.

From the stories they have heard over the years about me

My life is nothing they ever would envy

So deep in his heart, my son knew why

He had a choice to make, it better be right.

He didn't want to ever think of things turning back

To our humble beginnings and how hard we worked

To overcome the consequences of generations in past

He agreed with me that change was past due

But he kept that to himself until

His thoughts were scattered, he just needed time.

In his needing time, he pushed me away

A whole new stage of life had to be set

A whole new existence to be discovered

And he loves me.

He loves his mother

Honors her dream

That our lineage would never return

To those humbled beginnings of

Past generational choices that

Led to the beginnings we endured

He vows to assure that our family stays tight

He vows to assure that we'd get it right.

He dedicates his days to books, class and school

He looks forward to his path with sparks of delight

Mom knows she's loved, finally something is right.

He loves me

I know that today

All my needs are met

Thank You Karmatic Entities.

Kahala Lei

12 October 2017

Independent

Independent

Another word for alone

They teach us to strive to be alone

Another word for crazy

Independence

Kahala Lei

Roses

Him

There he stands

Like a prick in the middle of a field

Of thorned roses

Choices

Kahala Lei

Nohoikawai

Nohoikawai

A phrase I had to learn to understand

A vision I had to accept as reality

A calling chosen for me to follow

A place too many to name at once

A foundation in a dimensional pattern of four

A stability to last for eons

A source to resource time and time again

A happiness of one people, one and many

Noho-i-ka-wai

Say it with me

Say its name

Say you'll be there

Say you are the pillar in which it stands

Nohoikawai

Four pillars of perpetuation

Four winds of change

Four methods of completion

Four patterns to follow

Four directions to take

Four levels of restoration

Four visions in four times

Four proofs of war crimes

Four stages of love

Four decades of days to complete

Nohoikawai

Still beside the water

Still in what's content

Still resourced deeply within

Still able to be replenished again

Nohoikawai

Kahala Lei

11 October 2017

Each day is a brand new dawn and you ask me every day about our new dawns. I have yet to come to an answer on this topic for I have yet to see just where we stand. Who are you against who am I? Over the course of 1000 miles and some tea, we can find alot of things out but none of them will be the answer to your question, but the question of time.

Time answers everything. In time and through time only, our true colors and wanton desires will find their own way out. What remains of this has yet to be seen. Just keep your eyes on what you really want and it will come to you. I do not question what destiny has in store for me. I simply prepare myself for what I anticipate, what I strive for.

My walk in life begins with the knowledge that nothing is owed to me and things don't have to go my way. I do not expect anything from this universe, as all of my blessings come from another. My blessings come from a universe of everlasting unconditional love. The same love that emanates from my heart.

I make my choices knowing that one day, all things come to an end. With this in mind, I do not gather or harbor any unnecessary feelings or emotions. May my emotions remain intact throughout this journey in life.

Now that I have such low expectations on the world, the negativity that may come from any particular direction in this world, whether it be demographically or personally, bears less effect on me as a human being of sound mind and soul.

What comes to me as a blessing is revered as such and is always a compliment to my day, as it was rather unexpected from the start.

What comes of you and I, whether it be a family, friend or relationship, is completely dependant upon time to come into fruition. Wise man has once said, "People can enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime."

Kahala Lei
Blood Money Spokenword
copyright 2013

--
Posted By Kahala Lei to Kahala Lei at 5/01/2013 08:57:00 AM

24 August 2017

Throughout the Night

Kiss me under the bare moonlight

I want this to be a night to remember

As the pale moon high glows upon your face

All my memories successfully erase

Just a wisp of your scent takes my mind away

Kiss me once more, in the early light of day

Kahala Lei

14 August 2017

Undestined

Pale moon high

Breeze captures your essence

Your stare links with my eyes

And I want more.

Intensity

Looking down, gasping

For awkwardness to end

While you watch

Amused.

Pale moon high

Why did I walk away?

What does it matter?

Undestined.

Kahala Lei

Blood Money Poets

13 August 2017

Dear Politician

What do you stand for, if anything at all?

I see you there but you appear to be

More concerned about your fashion

More concerned about saving face

But you don't seem to have one ounce

Of respect for this place.

What are you doing here?

What do you hope to achieve?

By hurting your constituents,

disrespecting both

ancestors and seeds?

By hurting your environment?

By committing war crimes?

By choosing a collapsing dollar?

Over those who put you in power?

Voters put you in power

Because they believed in you

Now everyone is angry

Because of the things you do.

Your choices in office

Gave voter-wide tummy aches

Doesn't that bother you?

Every morning you wake?

It doesn't bother you

That your choices are poor?

Please tell me you'll never

Run for office once more.

We don't wish you bad

We just wish you gone

Far away from what

We call our home.

Kahala Lei

Blood Money Poets

04 August 2017

Even if I Stand Alone

Just saw an aerial photo of O'ahu and it was almost like an instant memory where my first mental picture was when my grandma's sisters came home to Hawaii Nei in 1988. They were so excited when they left Philadelphia and so broken when they returned.

Everything concerning our Hawaiian side was kapu. We couldn't ask a question and if we did, nobody alive had the answer. All we had were the few families scattered about the region, that my grandma and her siblings were connected to and an annual luau when uncles came from O'ahu to tell us stories. I was pretty young, last time I was there. I don't remember if my last time there was before or after the 1988 trip back to their roots.

My grandmother cried like a baby while her sisters talked. Her youngest sister Dorothy had no children, so she was really close to me. Aunt Dot was pretty loud to begin with, and after a few beers she only got louder. After a few beers she began to tell the stories of what happened when she came home and we all perched to catch every moment she spoke about. She began to drink, just to continue talking. As she grew louder, so did her cries. Til this day, it gives me chicken skin.

She began to tell one story, turned to my my brother and I, and began to almost scold us. After carefully censoring out the 27 F-bombs between each word, this is what she said:

"You grow the hell up and you take your ass home. You get them GD mother F'ers out of my father's country, do you hear me? You get each and every one of them off our islands. Tell them to take their big buildings and shove'em up their asses. They ruined my father's country and they destroyed my father. Are you listening to me? You better, because if I have to die and my father doesn't have his country back, and you didn't go, I will haunt you until the day you die. They killed my father inside and I watched him die. I was 8 years old and I held my father's hand until his last breath. All he wanted was to go home and he never even got to bring us back to show us where we're from and I hat them GD mother F'ers for what my family went through."

At that age, without any knowledge other than knowing that her father came from those dots on the map that rain across the sea, us kids didn't know anything but my kahea and my brother's weird ancestral stories. Who even knew where he got those stories from? But the tone in Aunt Dot's voice, the pain in her eyes, each tear, each deep breath she took, said volumes of things that words could not describe. I never forget her words, every cuss word between them and all.

In 2013 when I brought my children home, Aunt Dot's Alzheimer's and dementia were getting bad already. But we spoke almost every day and everyone around me heard our conversations because I would yell for most of the phone call, just so she could hear me. Every day she forgot I was a grown woman already, with kids, and back home in Maui - which is my family last name - her last name. Every day we would have the same beginning of a conversation, about how she was doing and how big I must have grown.

It was always the part where she asked where I live now, that choked me. I would remind her every day that I moved back home to raise my kids and keep my promise - the one from that day. Ever since that day in 1988, my brother and I made it our long term goal to set our family up with a family business in Philadelphia, so that they don't have to suffer poverty in Philadelphia while we return to Hawaii, our home. She gave us specific instructions, so we had to implement our plan while we were young, to assure that we'd still be youthful and strong when we carried out her orders. It didn't happen the way we planned and only I made it, but it is what it is and I stood... even if I stood alone.

After we got past the "how are you" parts, she would ritually ask where I live now and I would answer "Maui". Each time, her response was adorable! She would get confused, tell me she knew who she was and ask me again where I lived. Eventually, I would tell her "I live Hawaii, Aunt Dot!"

She would choke up and say the exact same thing she said that day in 1988. Then she would follow it up with ancestral knowledge and if I ever followed up by asking her what she was telling me, it was as if I interrupted her spirit and it would all go away.

She passed a little over a year ago, but I began to notice something. Every time I go to Oahu, I get that same feeling she described, as the plane begins to land. The same tears stroll down my eyes and I can still feel her pain. It is an absolutely beautiful feeling because feeling that pain is knowing she is with me, knowing all my ancestors are with me, knowing I am never alone. Tonight I was scrolling down my Instagram feed, and an aerial shot of O'ahu came up - and I felt that limp in my throat. The one that reminds me of my purpose, my cause... my deepest connection with the Masterpiece of all creation. I stand.. Even if I stand alone.

31 July 2017

Custodial Jurisdiction & Jealousy

Dear (Avoiding Lawsuits), 

Thank you for your assumptions & dedication to crediting yourself for my children's successes.  As we have gone down this road 3 years ago over my son, as well as the other kids I have had to remove from your care in order to advance, you are grossly wrong in your approach & desire to make their lives better.  

Now you have attempted to do the same with my other two children and I thought you knew what kind of mother you are trying to compete with.  You got me last week, thinking that I failed my children & through your deception, you convinced my daughter that I did not have her best of interest in heart.  You made my family go through hell.

Because you were afraid of the competition I pose to you and your job, you did everything you could to tear down my budding non-profit, me as a mother, my effectiveness in the community, as well as the attacks you have put on my family in your "concern" that I do not recognize the talent my children possess.  I know my children well. I know my work well. I know my community well.  And for you to have been in your position as director for so long, you shouldn't need me to point out potential resources & the laws governing your profession.  You should have these things already.  How do I, a non-professional with no degree have a high success rate with the work we both do?  Well because unlike you, I take the time to listen to the voice & concerns of others, and I am willing to work with them on their levels.

You on the other hand, think that your title gives you power and you achieve false success through deception, which explains why every family you have ever worked with has walked away from MHM.  This is why your school was downgraded to a regular non-profit.  This is why you have the problems you have with your employees.  This is why you are always struggling to not lose your job.  And yet you continue to target me & my family, to uplift your name.

When you were scrambling not to lose your job, you came to me asking to use my kids to help build your programs.  They shared with you how I do it and brought you to the next level of servitude, and now you think you have legal rights to my children?  You actually used my kids to build yourself & you are calling out to our mutual community to check on my family?  We want NOTHING to do with you.  You have bad mouthed me as a parent, to make yourself look good.  I didn't ignore my children, you "needed" them to make you look good and I allowed them to go with you so they could learn from the partnerships as well as help you perform your job.  I don't "neglect" my children, you changed the schedule so many times that as a single parent, I couldn't continuously change mine to accommodate yours.

And as far as the school topic goes, just because you have $25,000/year to send yours to Waldorf School, and just because you order your employees to be your personal support system to raise your kids, does not mean that my family has the same wants, needs or resources.  You doubted me as a mother, as a teacher and you are afraid of me as one professional.  If it weren't for the dedication of your remaining 4 staff members, you would fall on your face because let the truth be told, NOBODY wants to work for you.  Those remaining in that building are there for the kids & families, to protect them from you.  How do I know?  Do you think after all these years, we don't talk? 

What did you tell me about my son?  You said that he was going to end up in jail if he did not go to Job Corps.  I told you that my kids were not going there.  Places like that are last resorts.  So much for my kid failing, he is now in college under full scholarship.  You said he'd never go anywhere unless I did what you said.  Wrong again.  

You now say that I don't see my daughter's potential and you have spread through our mutual community, lies about my family.  On Friday, you really had me convinced I was going crazy, a bad mom and you came between me & my kids, lying to them and making them think you had the only answers to their lives.  

Thank you for making my family stronger.  May you reap what you have sowed as division in so many families.  Now I understand what former families & former employees were trying to tell me.  And to think that I was actually your friend and that you were just misunderstood..... Stop bringing my name up to other professionals.  You must have thought that they didn't have my phone number or that nobody was going to call me.  Thank God I didn't commit suicide over your lies.  My kids would be sitting here without a mother right now and all those kids whose lives you wrecked, wouldn't have a mentor to help them piece it back together.

30 July 2017

Long Term Stages of Addiction & Suicide

Have you ever thought about committing suicide? Have you ever tried? It's definitely not the favored topic to talk about yet it is a necessary conversation for us to have.

Did you ever know someone who committed suicide?

Its a heartbreaking wreck for others to cope with. It leaves those left behind to wonder why, along with so many other unanswered questions.

People would like to think that the signs can be categorized in statistical boxes, but not even clinical research can handle this one. I don't care what the experts say, they are still alive so they can't be experts at suicide. They can only tell you what they see.

Well I'm an eleven attempt survivor. Apparently I'm no expert either, because at least one of those times I should have succeeded. Actually, I succeeded twice, found by my baby brother who unfortunately saved my life both times. I was too young to know how to succeed before that. Yes, I began trying to die at 7 years old.

I am 39 years old and contemplating right now as I type. You just don't know the pain in my heart and nothing you could say could change that.

I'm hoping that in writing this, I can make the awareness make myself feel better or something. I can't tell you what I'm trying to say, other than if I live to keep writing, this helped, and if I don't make it through this night, then you will know the signs a little bit better.

So many people misjudge someone thinking about suicide and it's so shameful to admit to people, that I never wanted to expose myself. Nobody who commits suicide ever wants to really kill themselves. But they are going to do it anyway because people just don't fuckin listen, do they?

But when I know there is no one to turn to, when I already know what you're going to say, when I know the clinical labels and approach, then it all becomes useless. There's nothing you can say that's going to make it better. I don't have family to talk to. I'm realizing that I don't really have any friends close enough who care. I don't really have real friends at all.

What do I do with the pain inside? Do I just go to sleep? What's the solution to my problem? Is there a solution? What if its an endless problem?

Why would I tell you when I'm going to do it?

Well if I told you, I must not really want to do it. But if I told you, my life would get wrecked immediately, worse than it is now.

First thing you would do is to pressure me by calling suicide for cowards. Then you would resort to calling 9-11 which would put an immediate scene at my front door, which means that if I live, I'm not going to want to come back home, for the embarrassment and attention would make me want to commit suicide anyway.

People are going to patronize me until someone finds an angle. They are going to talk endlessly until I fall asleep or change my mind. They're going to jack me up with meds. It will be great. Then they get to choose whether or not I get to go. I don't think so. I'd rather commit suicide. That's not help. It is extending the problem while adding more problems so that the system can now solve the problems it created by prescribing me a pill. I don't think so. I'm suicidal, not stupid.

People want to know how to stop suicide? Try to wrap your head around this:
*I will speak in "I" statements to avoid lengthy confusion

1. I am committing suicide because I have repeatedly told you something about whatever is breaking me down and you refuse to listen or do something about it.

2. I tried to get help but the system only uses people as guinea pigs and we all know it. That's not help. They give pills for the symptoms while I live in misery.

3. What do you mean its not hopeless? I just told you the same thing I have been saying for a long time and you still don't listen or try to see what I'm seeing!

4. I fuckin give up. Nobody listens. My life, my heart, my soul is important and nobody sees a thing. All they see is what they want from me. They don't even see that I can't do it. All they know is that at a different time in my life, I could, and they want it now, so do it now. People only see what they want, what they need.

5. On second thought, I must not be that important or loved. It doesn't matter how many times I say it or if I scream it from the roof top. After they call me crazy & talk their shit, I won't exist to them until they want something from me.

6. Oh look, they want more from me than I thought. But they can't see how their ignorance is killing me.

7. I keep telling myself its me, but I have changed myself a thousand times to accommodate them because they told me it was all in my head, and guess what? It wasn't enough work for me to change everything I am for them, they still don't hear my concerns, they still don't treat me like I matter in their lives and these people are supposed to be the closest people to me, my family or extended family. And look. They couldn't give a rats ass about me, but watch how many show up to my funeral crying about how great I was.

8. This got old last year. Nothing's changed but me.

9. I'm tired. Life has lost its value. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. What am I even here for? Well, besides the pain?

10. I'd go on vacation, but I can't. I'd go talk to someone, but I've tried talking to everyone I know. I went to the doctor, they sent me to the psych. The psych only wanted to know what pills to give me. I went to the church, they told me to tithe, pray and serve harder. I went to my family but they had other things to talk about. I tried go to my friends but they were too busy. Some even complained about my negative energy and left my presence. Does anyone even realize how close I am to killing myself?

11. K, inventory check: what do I have to make this go quickly and easily? I don't want to survive, I don't want to suffer any longer than I am right now. I just want to go and never come back. What? You fakas calling me selfish? Did you ever think for a minute that all this time I have been trying to come talk to you, that maybe you have been selfish? Yeah.... I'm trying to tell you I want to die and all you can think about is how you like I fix your car. That wasn't selfish? What about the time I went to my family and they handed me three kids and a grocery list. I'm trying not to kill myself and you're handing me kids because you don't have time for my shit and want to get dinner done fast tonight. But what about me?

I fail to see how I never mattered and now you're crying that I was selfish? Bitches, I'm dead now. Fuck you and your not listening! Fuck you and your "to-do lists"!!! Fuck you and your selfish ass favors. You didn't care for me when I was alive, what the fuck are you here for now? To ask my dead body at my viewing, who's supposed to fix your car now? Fuck all of you who says suicide = hell!!! Now that I'm not there, you can go on with life because I never mattered anyway and in a month or so, you'll forget me. Trust me.

ps.. This ain't hell. It's heaven, after living on that earth.