You'll Remember

"

You're such a cry baby

You're too sensitive

You're too fat

You're too humble

You're too proud

You're too much of this

You're not enough of that

Your voice doesn't matter

You'll never be worthy

You can try but that's it.

You think too much

You don't think before you talk

You talk too much

You didn't communicate enough

You're too white

You're not white enough

You're too thoughtful

You don't think about others

You'll never be a good mom

You should have never had kids

You're going to destroy them before they grow up

Why can't you be like everyone else?

You, you, you

I don't understand why she killed herself

She was so beautiful

She was so smart

She could have done anything she wanted

She was so helpful

She really cared

She knew how people felt

She empathized with others

She worked so hard

She always said the right thing

She always said exactly what it was

She had a heart of gold, that girl

Such a shame.

Why didn't she think about her kids?

Why didn't she think about who she was hurting?

Why didn't she do this?

Why didn't she do that?

Why did she think she wasn't worthy?

I can't understand.

"

Every day you reminded me that

I wasn't good enough

I was too fat

I was too ugly

Nobody cared

Shut up

I was too dark

I was too white

My hair was too straight

My nose was too fat

My legs were too long

I physically grew too fast

I was born in the wrong geographical location

I was too native

I wasn't native enough

I followed instructions too well

I thought for myself

I wasn't like everyone else

I didn't deserve what I earned

I have the audacity to be unique

Every day you complained

That I quoted the Bible too much

That I learned too much

That it was my fault you never learned

That it was my fault you had problems before me

That it was my fault that you made a choice

That it was my fault that something happened beyond my control

Every day you reminded me that I don't matter.

Why are you surprised?

Isn't this what you wanted?

Isn't this what you yearned for?

Didn't you secretly wish I'd go away?

Well, I'm gone now.

No more too white

No more too brown

No more too educated

No more too fat

No more too blessed

Nothing more for you to complain about

But you're still complaining

In my name.

Even my death wasn't enough for you.

Even in my death, it was all my fault.

But you'll remember me

Kahala Lei

copyright July 2018

Shame No More

Her body was shamed

From the day she was born

Not enough, too much beauty

Spectators filled with scorn

They shamed her for her skin

They shamed her for her eyes

They shamed her for her lips

They shamed her for her size

She didn't understand then

But she knew to be shamed

She wore layers of makeup

Just to mask her pain

They shamed her for her lipstick

They shamed her for her eyes

Even called her a prostitute

Victim of social demise

She began to cut her wrist

She began to hate her skin

She began to hate the very

Body she lived in.

People scolded her for

How she hated self

But they failed to realize that

She was never taught anything else

They blamed her for self-hatred

They blamed her for her shame

They blamed her for her beauty

They just needed someone to blame

Last night something changed

No longer will she feel that shame

She took the pills and hit the floor

Not to be shamed by her body anymore.

Kahala Lei

copyright July 2018

Dear Maalea

Dear Ma'alea, 

Charles Kaui Ma'alea to be exact, and I will yell each time I say it into the phone.  With that silly smile and a lot of spunk, you went through each day as if nothing bothered you while the world sat on your shoulders.  Nobody could ever tell what was going through your mind but I know it was always your heart.  It was always your heart.

You has this way of caring for others without a second thought.  You held onto your faith until the very last breath.  Your strength never failed to amaze me.

The time has finally come for you to go home, into the kingdom you have been waiting for.  And this, this is my way of saying goodbye to your earthly essence.  I have those memories that you left me with and the gratitude in my heart for what you have done for my family.

Although it seems like you always were a part of my life, I am reminded on this very night that life itself is only a few minutes  long and I only knew you for a few seconds of that time.  But in that time, you made such an impact.  I am grateful for your heart and the family you have shared with me.

Let this be my promise to you that even though I stand back, I will always be there for your grandchildren and theirs.  Our families will ever remain united for the greater good of both.  

Rest in Love

Charles Kaui Ma'alea

September 20, 1932 - July 16, 2018