You'll Remember

"

You're such a cry baby

You're too sensitive

You're too fat

You're too humble

You're too proud

You're too much of this

You're not enough of that

Your voice doesn't matter

You'll never be worthy

You can try but that's it.

You think too much

You don't think before you talk

You talk too much

You didn't communicate enough

You're too white

You're not white enough

You're too thoughtful

You don't think about others

You'll never be a good mom

You should have never had kids

You're going to destroy them before they grow up

Why can't you be like everyone else?

You, you, you

I don't understand why she killed herself

She was so beautiful

She was so smart

She could have done anything she wanted

She was so helpful

She really cared

She knew how people felt

She empathized with others

She worked so hard

She always said the right thing

She always said exactly what it was

She had a heart of gold, that girl

Such a shame.

Why didn't she think about her kids?

Why didn't she think about who she was hurting?

Why didn't she do this?

Why didn't she do that?

Why did she think she wasn't worthy?

I can't understand.

"

Every day you reminded me that

I wasn't good enough

I was too fat

I was too ugly

Nobody cared

Shut up

I was too dark

I was too white

My hair was too straight

My nose was too fat

My legs were too long

I physically grew too fast

I was born in the wrong geographical location

I was too native

I wasn't native enough

I followed instructions too well

I thought for myself

I wasn't like everyone else

I didn't deserve what I earned

I have the audacity to be unique

Every day you complained

That I quoted the Bible too much

That I learned too much

That it was my fault you never learned

That it was my fault you had problems before me

That it was my fault that you made a choice

That it was my fault that something happened beyond my control

Every day you reminded me that I don't matter.

Why are you surprised?

Isn't this what you wanted?

Isn't this what you yearned for?

Didn't you secretly wish I'd go away?

Well, I'm gone now.

No more too white

No more too brown

No more too educated

No more too fat

No more too blessed

Nothing more for you to complain about

But you're still complaining

In my name.

Even my death wasn't enough for you.

Even in my death, it was all my fault.

But you'll remember me

Kahala Lei

copyright July 2018