"
You're such a cry baby
You're too sensitive
You're too fat
You're too humble
You're too proud
You're too much of this
You're not enough of that
Your voice doesn't matter
You'll never be worthy
You can try but that's it.
You think too much
You don't think before you talk
You talk too much
You didn't communicate enough
You're too white
You're not white enough
You're too thoughtful
You don't think about others
You'll never be a good mom
You should have never had kids
You're going to destroy them before they grow up
Why can't you be like everyone else?
You, you, you
I don't understand why she killed herself
She was so beautiful
She was so smart
She could have done anything she wanted
She was so helpful
She really cared
She knew how people felt
She empathized with others
She worked so hard
She always said the right thing
She always said exactly what it was
She had a heart of gold, that girl
Such a shame.
Why didn't she think about her kids?
Why didn't she think about who she was hurting?
Why didn't she do this?
Why didn't she do that?
Why did she think she wasn't worthy?
I can't understand.
"
Every day you reminded me that
I wasn't good enough
I was too fat
I was too ugly
Nobody cared
Shut up
I was too dark
I was too white
My hair was too straight
My nose was too fat
My legs were too long
I physically grew too fast
I was born in the wrong geographical location
I was too native
I wasn't native enough
I followed instructions too well
I thought for myself
I wasn't like everyone else
I didn't deserve what I earned
I have the audacity to be unique
Every day you complained
That I quoted the Bible too much
That I learned too much
That it was my fault you never learned
That it was my fault you had problems before me
That it was my fault that you made a choice
That it was my fault that something happened beyond my control
Every day you reminded me that I don't matter.
Why are you surprised?
Isn't this what you wanted?
Isn't this what you yearned for?
Didn't you secretly wish I'd go away?
Well, I'm gone now.
No more too white
No more too brown
No more too educated
No more too fat
No more too blessed
Nothing more for you to complain about
But you're still complaining
In my name.
Even my death wasn't enough for you.
Even in my death, it was all my fault.
But you'll remember me
Kahala Lei
copyright July 2018
