Vent of the day

Boy, at times I really feel negative about myself.  After almost a year, I still cannot afford a house for my family, and I know this family that I stay with is getting tired of us.  I have gone and looked, with no return calls.  Jobs are plentiful, but only for select individuals.  After companies get burned but so many times, I can understand.  At the same time, it's really hard to locate substantial employment. 

I have tried repeatedly to self evaluate, self recreate, rehabilitate, rejuviate, have gone to counselors and doctors to see if I am missing something upstairs.  I'm supposed to be normal.. so they say.  I have a long lost of achievements, no recommendations from past employers, and they tell me that there's no reason to fall out of contact with people of your past, if the relationship was good.  Well people move on, get new numbers, etc.. everyday.  If I had the money to sit at home, I wouldn't waste my time looking for a job.

Meanwhile, I am such a huge burden on the people that I stay with, but their faith won't allow them to see us on the streets.

This is not the first cycle that I have had to break, but there are so many of them that I cannot break them all at once.  I have overcome 30 years of abuse, raised more kids than I could count, including three of my own, broke the cycle of self destructive paths that I had learned from my family, as it was the only behavior that I ever did see.  Unlike 98% of my family, I did not choose a life of drugs and alcohol.  For a period of 6 years, I had broken the cycle of poverty and had started to go to college.  While breaking the cycle of abuse, I managed to fall into an impoverished trap that I am struggling so hard to get out of.

I don't even feel sorry for myself.  I just don't know what else to do.  I am searching for an open door.  Searching, searching, searching....